Tonight I lay here with a sad heart due to certain circumstances leading to feelings of inadequacy. This is a dangerous feeling for me. I didn’t know it until just now. As I lay in bed replaying today’s events, and growing more bitter and angry…I turned on a song that I used to listen to when I was in the depths of the eating disorder. I listened to the words while feeling my anger and bitterness forming into an old familiar tangled cold ball in the pit of my soul. Something in me started to stir.
I didn’t make it through the entire song before I found myself on YouTube typing the word “Anorexia”…you see…today I didn’t eat much. I don’t get hungry when my emotions get out of whack. And that’s the devils playground.
Before YouTube even loaded the videos I had searched for, I quickly closed it all down. I could feel the heat of the fire wanting to restart. It’s still warm. But I know if you play with fire…you will get burnt. I don’t want to play.
I’m not happy right now with certain things, but taking it out on myself in that manner is not an option. I refuse to allow anything to trigger me back. Yes, tonight was a close call. But the spirit of God nagged my heart to quit while I was ahead. And I have chosen to listen. I have chosen life and not death. (Deut. 30:19)
Healing from addictions is a raw process. It isn’t an event. It doesn’t happen in one fell swoop. Patience and forgiveness is what it takes. Patience for yourself because it takes a while to get where you’re supposed to be. And forgiveness for yourself because mistakes will happen. Don’t dwell on it! Move forward!
I am forgiving myself and asking God to forgive me, and I’m moving forward. Although today wasn’t the best…tomorrow is a new day. New mercies.
Samantha In Depth 